Everything & Nothing At All

I sit here today and analyze everything in my mind. A reflection day per se. What I wish most right now is for you to talk to me the way I talk to you; like old times. I continue to spill my heart and feelings out, venting and crying on the other end of the phone; waiting for the day you come to me and do the same. I fear it might not be worry that drives you to listen, but curiousity. Are you just curious about what I’m feeling and thinking or is it worry? You can never really tell. I find it hard to trust people; I don’t trust people easily. Trust must be mutual though and I’m waiting for you to trust me. I’m uncomfortable talking to you now a-days because you never talk back but I’m doing so, so you learn to trust me. I’m observant and I know when you are thinking and most times I can guess what you are thinking but I’m waiting for the day I can listen. Life is just a game of waiting. Waiting for the storm to pass, waiting for the right time to say something, waiting for your confidence to build up. It’s selfish of me but I don’t know if I can talk anymore unless you begin to talk as well because I don’t know if it is curiousity or worry that drives you.

I’ve got a confession and it feels right to talk about it. For years, I sat thinking I was fearless. This person willing to jump right in. Not afraid to look over the edge of highrise buildings, holding/touching bugs and spiders. Not afraid to do crazy things in a moment, not afraid of being caught. I like the adventure and the danger; the fear of it all. Not afraid of saying what I think or embarassing myself. In truth all of these things would be better for me than what I fear most. I sat one day and watched an episode of CSI. This episode was the first time Grissom meet Lady Heather. She told him what he feared most and it suddenly clicked. I fear being known. I’ll give what I want to give but never my whole self. For fear of being broken. If someone, one person like a friend or a lover knew everything about me I would shatter. I’ve built up layers to make sure this doesn’t happen. I like privacy, simplicity. I like the idea that one person does not hold the key to break me into a million pieces. I’m restless; I stay and leave. Maybe, this is why I fear being known. This constant need for change wouldn’t be as easy to deal with if people really knew me. There are few friends I have remained in contact with the years and sadly this doesn’t bother me. My need for change overpowers me, but I’m not going to lie I like it. I like fresh starts and new people. New schools and places. I want to jump up when a new oppurtunity knocks on my door and I know I will continue to do so. 

“You know what music is? God’s little reminder that there’s something else besides us in this universe, a harmonic connection between all living beings, every where, even the stars.” I heard this quote in August Rush and I couldn’t have said it any better. Music fills the mind and soul, lifts the spirt and let’s us dance in our most innocent form. Throwing your hands up in the air and twirling, can be one of the greatest experiences in your life; the truth is though many people are afraid to let themselves go. Step out of society’s perception of them; the cold buisness man, the grumpy teacher, the scared teenager. Why has it become so embarassing to sing and dance in a small moment of bliss. The stares, the stiffled laughs don’t bother me anymore. I will be true to myself and allow myself to let go and run with the music. “You know what’s out there? A series of higher tones. It’s arranged by nature. It’s governed by the laws of physics of the whole universe. It’s an overtone, it’s an energy, it’s a wavelength and if you’re not riding it, good Lordy, you’ll never hear it.” I’ll always be listening.

I’d like to think I know who you are, or who you used to be.

I’ll remember you the way I want to.

 You’ll stay in my memory. No matter what they say.

Time is a double-edged sword I’ve heard,  only now I understand those words.

I’ve known too many ghosts in my time, please refrain from slipping away.

I’m desperate to tell you this, so many have gone amiss.

Please stay no matter what.

Stay in my reality and don’t become a memory.

The recognition in my eyes, gave away my surprise

To see your face in such a strange and lonely place

The arms of the trees, the soft breeze, the crunch under my feet

Stood still and my world fluttered away 

Swift and silent, like an eagle at flight

I can’t express the words my dear

Now that I find you so near

A ghost of my past

Is the only way you’ll last 

In my heart and mind

Whispered words and silent slumbers

Giggles of love, laughter of hate, I shall embrace

As a reminder of the times we’ve tried and faced

The ghost of your smile, simply and clear 

Explains to me that we are nothing more

Nothing more than strangers, passing on the street

A fate decided by the choices made 

Nothing more than a ghost walking by

With a complicated past 

You cannot retreat 

Don’t keel over

I’ll look in your eyes, one last time

Say goodbye in my mind

I must let you go

Time has passed, between us both

 And I realize; we are just ghosts. 

It’s the strangest feeling I have daily when I look into other’s eyes and realize it is all a disguise. An outfit per se, as I once read. The simplicty of a person dressing in this outfit and going about their day; lying to themselves along the way is upsetting. I don’t understand it. Why cloak yourself in something you truly are not. Following the crowd, and fitting with your friends is not as important as being honest and truthful with yourself. Layers of makeup, lulu lemon pants, true religions do not make up who you are; but slowly they will. How long before you no longer can take of the mask and find yourself? How long before you can no longer tell where the mask ends and you begin? It is a frightening thought that this need to fit in runs our world. If everybody were the same, would things be better or worse?  Would it be a matter of good and bad? Light and dark. In truth, you cannot have one without the other; however it is not that simple. Balance needs to exist but there is gray matter in the middle. One is not always right, nor as one is always wrong. In order to live we must find balance to be truthful with ourselves but not to isolate ourselves from society.